Autism Parenting – Page 2 – Make It Through The Week One Day At A Time

5 Things Every Parent Should Know When Raising an Autistic Child

Parenting an autistic child can feel overwhelming at times. Parents want to do their best for their children, but it can be hard to sort out what should be prioritized over something else. You can’t do it all – so what should you focus on? My two autistic children are now adults, and I can look back over the years and see what were the most important things to concentrate on that made the difference in our lives. I realize this may not be everyone’s list, but I think these topics give a good foundation on which to build and provide support throughout a person’s lifespan.

In everything that I do, I keep at the forefront of my mind autistic neurology. The autistic brain thinks in an absolute way rather than a relative way. My Belgian colleague, Peter Vermeulen, explains this well in his blog Tennis, the predictive mind and autism. American psychologist Dr. Ross Greene says, “Children do well if they can.” If they can’t, they may be missing a prerequisite skill, not know how to start the task, don’t understand the language, or don’t see the steps in the task.

Some other things to also think about:

No autistic person will present the same way as each is an individual.
Information is changing all of the time so don’t beat yourself up for things you did in the past.
Be prepared to let go of assumptions or things that don’t work.
One strategy doesn’t fit all nor will it work every time.
It can take time for something to work.
You may not see the fruits of your labor right away, but you are building a foundation.
Success is often small.
Expect developmental plateaus. If you plot development on a graph, it will look jagged.
Be able to adapt as needs and situations change.
It’s all about relationships, respect and trust. Without these, a person can’t experience happiness and well-being.

Focus on Strengths

So often, an autistic person is described in terms of what they can’t do or where they place among their non-autistic peers. Try to reframe this by thinking about a person’s strengths and the positive qualities of autism. Some of these can be:

Visual learners rather than auditory learners
Excellent long-term memory
Detail focused which can transfer into in-depth knowledge way beyond the school curriculum
They are kinesthetic learners and learn by doing
Integrity – honest, loyal and committed
Approach things methodically – thought processes are analytical; can spot patterns and repetitions
Deep Focus – concentration level can be very focused, allowing for freedom from distraction

The 5 Things Every Parent Should Know

1. The Need for Predictability

Why is predictability so important? It is because predictability:

lessens anxiety.
reduces the fear over changes in the day or routine.
helps with transitions (25% of the school day involves transitions).
provides a clear beginning, middle and end to an event/activity.
supports independence.
supports communication.

Remember – the autistic brain thinks in an absolute way rather than a relative one so having a predictable environment and day will help a person feel calmer and function better. This is true for most people! Novelty and constant change are stressful as they require adaptation, thinking and planning.

Predictability is created by using visual supports, having established routines, breaking down the steps to a task, and having a structured environment and activities.

2. Use Visual Supports

Visual information is fixed and permanent, providing consistency and predictability. While the types of visual supports may change as a person matures, the need for them will always be there. The adults who are providing support also communicate more clearly when using visuals.

We use visual supports because:

autistic people are stronger visual than auditory learners.
they provide predictability/consistency which lessens anxiety.
improve understanding.
provide structure and routine.
build confidence.
provide opportunities for interaction.

Visual supports take a variety of forms such as:

tactile symbols/objects of reference
photographs
short videos
miniatures of real objects
coloured pictures
line drawings
symbols
written words

Use visuals to create schedules that can be daily, weekly or monthly. You can use visual schedules to teach the skill of making a choice like what to do during recess. I used visual schedules to teach flexibility by adding the word “surprise” occasionally to show my children that unpredictable things can happen and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Schedules can be a great way to show the passage of time throughout the day. When a task/activity has passed, take it off the schedule and put it in an envelope, signaling that the time has passed and the task is over. You can also see what’s going to happen next which lessens anxiety by creating predictability. Visual schedules create greater independence because a person can see structure, knows the expectations, and can see what to do next.

As the late Barbara Bloomfield, SLP, said, “True independence implies being able to set up visual supports of your own as you need them. Making lists, keeping track of appointments and visually organizing one’s living spaces and possessions are all self-prompting strategies that can be taught in small steps beginning at the pre-school level.”

3. Understanding and Supporting Sensory Needs

Dr. Jean Ayres, occupational therapist, first identified sensory processing difficulties in the 1970’s. Sensory processing involves 7 sensory systems. Dr. Ayres added two additional internal senses to the traditional 5 of hearing, sight, touch, taste and smell – proprioception (body awareness) and vestibular (movement/balance). More recently added to this list is interoception – the 8th sensory system.

A person may be over- or under-responsive to sensory input; activity level may be either unusually high or unusually low; a person may be in constant motion or tire easily. Some people may fluctuate between these extremes. When sensory systems are regulated, a person will feel calm, in control, and able to interpret sensory stimuli. When sensory systems get overloaded and out of balance, behaviors of concern may happen. A person may feel overwhelmed, distracted, impulsive, show signs of distress, become aggressive, withdraw or shut down.

Every autistic person will have a unique sensory profile so there is no one size fits all solution to helping with sensory processing difficulties. Observational checklists can be used to gather information about a person’s sensory profile. Sensory checklists will provide the framework for recognizing when sensory processing difficulties are occurring.

Once a sensory profile is known, a sensory diet can be created. This is an individualized plan of physical activities and accommodations to help a person meet their sensory needs. This plan provides the sensory input needed to stay focused and organized throughout the day. It can also be used to help with recovery after overload and plays an integral part in calming strategies.

There are many activities that can help with sensory regulation which support a child’s development. Gardening, making toys, outdoor play, physical movement, performing household chores, and practicing yoga can address and fulfill sensory needs.

Engaging individuals in sensory experiences on a regular schedule can support focus, attentiveness, and interaction. A person may feel less anxious when they feel comfortable and in control. Alone-time is also necessary for recovery, reducing overload, and supporting wellbeing. The world can be a busy, confusing, and overwhelming place. Time to retreat will leave an autistic person better able to focus, learn, engage, and regulate.

4. Understanding and Building Interoceptive Awareness

Learning about interoception from OT Kelly Mahler completely changed my understanding of my children and why things like not knowing if they are thirsty or need to go to the bathroom happened. I used to think it was a failing on my part…but then I heard about interoception. The ability to recognize, understand and interpret emotions and feelings comes through the sensory system’s eighth sense – interoception. It is the foundation from where all other senses are processed and helps us to regulate the body’s needs.

What exactly is interoception? Muscles and joints have receptors that tell you where your body parts are. Interoception works much the same way, but the receptors are in your organs including your skin. These receptors send messages about the body to the brain, helping to regulate vital functions such as hunger, thirst, digestion, or heart rate.

Understanding these bodily feelings can help with interpretation of what’s going on inside the body. If your bladder is full, you need to urinate. If your heart is beating fast, you may be anxious and need to take a few deep breathes to slow it down.

Interoception also affects the interpretation of emotions. Emotions may not be “felt”. If you can’t tune in to the body cues that help interpret emotion, it is harder to identify the emotion. It’s important to understand this aspect, because not feeling emotions affects a person’s behavior. For example, a person may not recognize fear because they don’t perceive that tense muscles, shallow breathing and a racing heart mean fear. Interoceptive challenges also affect the ability to self-regulate. Self-regulation is the ability to manage our emotions.

5. Taking Care of the Caregiver

When my children were young, I never thought about my own needs nor did I think they were important until I had a nervous breakdown. While taking care of others we have to take care of ourselves too, otherwise we burn out. When taking a flight, we are always told to put our own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

I found it has helped to accept what I can’t control such as:

my children’s development.
hitting developmental plateaus.
the attitude of others towards my children.
how others react to my children.
predicting what will happen next.
things unfolding exactly as I planned.

I try and focus on the things that I can control:

eating healthy, taking care of myself.
exercising to help manage stress and anxiety.
finding interesting and fun things to do for myself such as figure skating.
treating myself to little things – flowers, coffee, a bubble bath, a good book.
my attitude and response.
my kindness towards others.

Positive thinking and actions can go a long way in support mental health. Think about:

having things to look forward to.
keeping connected with people.
moving a little everyday.
spending a little time outdoors.
finding a space for yourself to retreat to even if it is just for a few minutes.
developing your own interests and passions.

Knowing these 5 things has been enormously helpful to me and has allowed me to move beyond just surviving each day. While it took time to learn about these topics and develop materials and strategies around them, the effort was worth it to have my children experience success in adulthood. They are happy and healthy people, enjoying activities that support their interests. Our lives are always evolving and changing, but I feel confident that I have the tools and ability to go with the flow and face new challenges.

Choosing The Best Parenting Style For Your Child

One of the greatest challenges parents face when trying to cultivate a parenting style is adapting standard methods to suit the unique traits of their child. Though a consistent, balanced approach to parenting works most of the time, some children invariably require more (or less) discipline and guidance than others. Rules that are sensible when applied to a neurotypical child may be overly restrictive when applied to a gifted child, for instance, whereas kids with ADHD, Autism, or delayed development often need more structure than average.

Even if you have solid, logical ideas about how you’ll ensure your child feels loved and accepted while you maintain firm limits, it can be difficult to stay on track when confronted with unexpected obstacles. Understanding the four major parenting styles can help you adjust your parenting methods as needed without compromising trust, fairness, or consistency.

The 4 Parenting Styles: What They Are and How to Use Them

According to research conducted in the latter half of the 20th century, there are four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and distant. Authoritative (also known as balanced) parenting is widely regarded as the most effective style because it provides kids with both security and support. However, incorporating permissive or authoritarian elements into a balanced approach can be useful when parenting a child with atypical needs.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents seek to combine an attitude of warmth and accessibility with moderate, reasonable discipline. These parents explain why their chosen rules and limits exist and remain open to discussing the relative fairness of consequences when appropriate. However, once rules and consequences have been established, authoritative parents remain firm, calm, and consistent when applying them.

The authoritative style strives to keep kids safe and teach them socially appropriate behaviours, without resorting to unnecessary strictness or pressure. By providing frequent explanations and keeping their expectations realistic, authoritative parents give their children both the information and the space they need to learn independent decision-making skills.

Though authoritative parents are caring, they don’t protect their children from their own mistakes. Authoritative parenting gives kids room to “mess up” within safe limits, while still expecting them to take responsibility for their actions. This allows children to experience setbacks naturally and learn from their errors.

Research supports the notion that this type of parenting encourages better self-regulation. Children raised in balanced households show lower rates of problematic and risk-taking behaviours. They also tend to do well in school, even though authoritative parents do not push for academic perfection with the same vigour as authoritarian parents.

Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parents favour a traditionally strict approach to child-rearing. They position themselves as figures of absolute authority and do not feel the need to explain their rules or decisions. They also tend to expect a lot from their children, both socially and academically, and may use harsh consequences to reinforce good behaviour.

Authoritarian parenting is sometimes associated with improved academic performance, but it also has a high potential to backfire. Kids raised in overly strict households are more likely to rebel and engage in risky behaviours, like substance abuse, reckless driving, and unsafe sex. Even complaint children who appear to flourish with strong leadership can be undermined by authoritarian parenting: Authoritarian parents are so overprotective that they often deprive their children of the opportunity to make their own choices. When their kids become adults, they therefore find themselves ill prepared for independence.

Many of the pitfalls of authoritarian parenting arise when this parenting style isn’t backed by sufficient warmth and compassion. When authoritarian parents are also distant, aggressive, or unapproachable, they compromise the very sense of safety that firm boundaries are supposed to create. Their children may then act out for attention or become “people pleasers,” unable to set their own boundaries or express their needs. To be effective, authoritarian parenting must be counterbalanced with unconditional love. Discipline, even if strict, should be delivered in a calm, compassionate way.

Working elements of authoritarian parenting into your parenting style may be helpful if your child has a developmental disorder, particularly Autism. Autistic kids benefit from rigidly structured environments and may become confused by the verbose explanations incorporated into authoritative parenting. Though research into parenting styles for neurodivergent kids is still sparse, some studies have shown that Autistic kids benefit from heightened obedience expectations and simple, direct communication. Children with ADHD are also sometimes better served by this communication style due to their issues with verbal processing.

Like neurotypical kids, neurodivergent kids require parental warmth and acceptance in order to thrive. When pursuing a more authoritarian style, it’s always essential to balance clarity with affection. You should also respect your child’s preferences where possible and appropriate, as this will build independent decision-making skills.

Permissive Parenting

Permissive parents are extremely lenient, sometimes to the point of eschewing rules altogether. These parents aren’t neglectful (on the contrary, they tend to be loving and communicative), but they operate with the belief that adequately loved children will naturally moderate their own behaviour.

Though it’s true that a close parent-child bond encourages good conduct, permissive parenting is not without its downsides. Children raised in permissive households often feel unsafe or insecure because they don’t have any boundaries to define their environment or their experiences within it. These children often end up leaning towards extremes: They either become impulsive, defiant, and daring in their attempts to learn the limits of safe behaviour, or they become hyper-responsible (and thus afraid to make any mistakes).

In its purest form, permissive parenting doesn’t work, simply because all children need rules and guidance. However, incorporating some aspects of permissive parenting into your parenting style may be useful if your child is intellectually or emotionally gifted. Though gifted children need firm boundaries, they also benefit from having the freedom to pursue their own interests and express themselves. In some areas, they may also develop more quickly than other children and therefore require adjusted limits that reflect their level of maturity. Finally, these sensitive children often need additional reassurance and nurturing.

Distant Parenting

Distant parents are lenient without displaying the accessibility of permissive parents. They prefer to let their children essentially parent themselves, only intervening when they feel like their child is directly in danger. These parents aren’t necessarily uncaring; sometimes, they genuinely believe their child is so independent that she (or he) doesn’t “need” much guidance. In other cases, distant parents are so preoccupied with their obligations outside the home that they become distant inadvertently.

Unfortunately, regardless of the parent’s intentions, distant parenting is almost always harmful. Children raised in this manner are prone to behavioural, emotional, and social problems; they also tend to perform poorly at school. This parenting style should be avoided, regardless of how mature or intelligent a child appears to be.

Choosing the right parenting style (or blend of styles) can be confusing, especially if your child is young and you’re not yet aware of any special needs she might have. Most experts advise adopting an authoritative style and observing how your child responds. If behavioural problems arise or continue despite fair and consistent parenting, then you should consider having your child assessed by a mental health professional. Working with a family therapist can help you identify your child’s core traits and specific developmental needs. With that information, you’ll be able to accurately select the right blend of parenting styles to maximize your child’s unique potential.

Which Parenting Style Is Best for Autism?

Parenting is difficult, regardless of whether your children have autism or not. Parenting is hard either way. Yet, parents need to parent effectively to provide the best possible life for their children. With autism, parents are presented with a unique set of challenges. While there are many parenting styles to choose from, parents should ultimately choose one that suits their child’s needs. But there are also several things to consider: your cultural beliefs, religious background, financial situation, and your own personality and beliefs. Let’s take a look at some of the parenting styles that will work best for autistic children.

Positive parenting

The aim of positive parenting is to reinforce and build a strong yet positive relationship between parent and child. With this parenting style, emotions, warmth, and affection are encouraged to reinforce the positive relationship. This is one of the best styles of parenting for parents who have autistic children. This is because it sets up trust and security. These are two aspects vital to the well-being of autistic children. Part of positive parenting is also finding therapy services that work for your child. And you might find yourself looking for ABA services near me.

Luckily, Lighthouse Autism Center is right on hand to help autistic children and their parents alike. They have multiple centers in the Midwest and offer ABA therapy. Positive parenting techniques include:

Praise: Highlight your child’s accomplishments positively.
The use of positive language: Encourage positive affirmations while avoiding negative language or even criticism.
Clear boundaries.
Encourage your child to express themselves.
Allow your child to make their own choices where possible.

Structured parenting

This style is based on a more routine approach. So, it focuses on predictability and consistency. This style works particularly well for autistic children since they can often feel stressed or anxious when their routines are thrown off balance. This parenting style also provides stability, which is vital in the development of an autistic child. Structured parenting techniques include:

Routine: Creating a visual of your child’s routine that they can view daily. Check out how to make your child’s visual schedule.
Task management: Breaking up tasks into manageable steps.
Communication: Communicating clearly and effectively.
Boundaries: Having clear boundaries that include consequences for behavior.
Rewarding: Supplying a reward for positive behavior.

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Collaborative parenting

Another great parenting style. Collaborative parenting involves an approach where parents and children work together to find solutions to everyday problems. This builds the child’s self-esteem. But not only that. With this parenting style, autistic children also build a sense of empowerment as it allows children to play an active role in their development and realize their strengths. Some of the techniques in this parenting style include:

Collaborating: Asking your child for their opinion or an idea on a subject.
Problem-solving: Allowing your child to create their own solutions to problems with your tips and guidance.
Setting the tone: You, as the parent, are the example when it comes to positive communication and problem-solving skills.
Opinions: Allowing your child, within reason, to share their choices or opinions.
Overcoming challenges: Looking at your child’s strengths and how they can be used to overcome obstacles.

Adaptive parenting

This parenting style is one that allows you as the parent to encourage your child’s strengths and consistently work on them to improve them. Essentially, this parenting style adapts to the strengths and needs of your child. What this does for autistic children is allow them to build on their strengths and for parents to provide support on their challenges. Here are some of the techniques of this parenting style:

Adjusting: Parents who have adopted this parenting style are the ones who then adjust their parenting style to fit their child’s needs.
Home updates: This parenting style also involves updates to your home. You will then modify your home to support your child’s sensory needs. For example, removing dark spaces if your child prefers brightly lit rooms.
Interest: Find out which activities or interests your child enjoys, then consistently work on them.
Added resources: Seek help from professionals such as medical doctors, child psychologists, and even support groups too.
Accommodation: If your current home does not support your child’s needs, parents who use this parenting style will find suitable accommodations to assist their child.

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Mindful parenting

This parenting style is all about the parent being present in their child’s life. It also includes parents taking the time and being patient with their children. This builds a strong connection between parent and child. This is because autistic children will feel more understood and accepted if their parents are more mindful. Some of the techniques of mindful parenting include:

Paying attention: For parents who adopt this parenting style, a large aspect is to be aware of their child’s body language and non-verbal cues.
Looking inward: Take a look at your emotions and how you react to situations.
Empathy: Always practice empathy and also put yourself in your child’s shoes.
Being present: Avoid multitasking while spending time with your child. Also, be in the moment and remove distractions.
Open-minded: Always remain open-minded and remove any judgment towards your child.

Importance of Public Awareness for Autism

The month of April usually marks the start of National Autism Awareness Month (NAAM). In this period, organisations and companies aim to spread awareness and promote acceptance of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) through starting campaigns, sharing resources and creating events.

Parents, caregivers and professionals who work closely with individuals with autism may be able understand the significance of public awareness. But some may ask “Why is there a need for us to know about autism?”

Have you heard of the saying, “Knowledge is power”? Here, I hope to share with you the importance and significance of autism awareness.

Perspective of parents and caregivers: Clears up misunderstandings and stereotypes

All too often, I’ll come across a sharing on social media by parents who have a child with autism experiencing misunderstandings from a member of the public. In this sharing, I recalled that the child had a sensory meltdown in public and a lady made comments such as “What an awful child? Who are his parents?”. These judgmental attitudes and comments stemming from ignorance can deeply upset individuals with autism and their family members.

Greater awareness will bring about better understanding. If the lady had read or seen something on autism, perhaps she would not have made those remarks. She would have understood that the reason the child was behaving in such a manner may not be due to poor discipline or teaching, but due to his senses being overwhelmed. Perhaps she would have acted differently and offered help to the family instead.

Public awareness clears up stereotypes and misunderstandings, and serves as a form of emotional support for parents and caregivers.

Perspective of individuals with autism: Increase early childhood screening and timely intervention

Early intervention is extremely crucial for individuals with autism. Research has shown that early intervention can improve children’s holistic development, decrease challenging behaviours, assist them in gaining essential social and communication skills, thus leading to positive outcomes later in life.

When public awareness is strong, individuals will be more well-informed on symptoms, earliest age of diagnosis, interventions or therapies that will be useful, etc. Note: this does not only apply to only autism of course, but also to other conditions (such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Global Developmental Delay, etc.). With access to reliable information, this increases the likelihood of early childhood screening, diagnosis and timely support and intervention. As such, individuals with autism will be able to receive support as early as possible, improving their transition to adulthood and when they step into society.

Perspective of public: Greater advocacy and acceptance

Members of the public can do their part to share and advocate. For example, if an employee is able to influence his colleagues and eventually advise his boss on hiring individuals with autism, he would have increased their chances of employment.

With greater advocacy amongst the public, we hope that it will lead to acceptance. After all, we are all different in our own ways.

Some might argue that a single individual may not be able to do much alone. That’s true too, but there is strength in numbers. For example, if an organisation is able to ensure public access to reliable information regarding autism and set an example by hiring or providing services for them, who knows what impact or influence it might have on other organisations?

With greater public awareness on autism, it can help not just individuals with autism, but also make lives easier for families and caregivers. In addition, we also enrich our society by accepting the wonderful differences that we all have. Let’s all do our part to spread greater awareness for these amazing individuals, and hopefully influencing others to make such a positive change too.

3 Early Signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Many children on the autism spectrum may show developmental differences during their infant and toddlers years, especially in social and language skills.

There may be some delays in spoken language or differences in how they interact with peers. However, children on the autism spectrum usually sit, crawl, and walk on time. So, the subtler differences in the development of gestures (pointing), pretend play and social language often go unnoticed by families and doctors.

Here is information from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) about three of the early signs of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) in young children.

Delay in or lack of joint attention

One of the most important developmental differences between children on the autism spectrum and children without ASD is a delay in or lack of joint attention. In fact, delays in joint attention skills are found in most children with ASD.

What is joint attention?

Joint attention is looking back and forth between an object or event and another person and connecting with that person. It is a building block for later social and communication skills. Engaging in many back-and-forth social interactions, such as exchanging a lot of emotional expressions, sounds and other gestures, is called reciprocal social interaction.

Stages of joint attention in babies & toddlers

There are several stages of joint attention. Children on the autism spectrum usually show delayed or absent social communication skills at every stage.

For example, below are ages when babies and toddlers toddlers typically use and understand gestures at the following times, compared with young children on the autism spectrum.

Using & understanding gestures such as pointing

By 12 months of age
- Most children can immediately look in the direction of an object a parent is pointing at. They will then look back at the parent and mimic the parent’s expression, usually a smile.
- Children on the autism spectrum may appear to ignore the parent. This can cause parents to worry about their child’s hearing.

By 15 months of age
- Most children can point to out-of-reach objects that they want.
- A child on the autism spectrum may instead take a parent’s hand and lead the parent to the object without making much, if any, eye contact. Sometimes the child may even place the parent’s hand onto the object itself.
By 18 months of age
- Most children point at objects they find interesting. Children will look back and forth between an object and a parent to make sure the parent is tuned-in to what they are looking at.
- Children on the autism disorder spectrum will often point to an object because they want a parent to get it for them, not because they want the parent to enjoy looking at the object with them.

Language delays & differences with ASD

Almost all children on the autism disorder spectrum show delays in nonverbal communication and spoken language. For example, you may notice differences such as:

The use of labels

A child on the autism spectrum may have words they use to label things, for example, but not to ask for things. They may use words for objects before using words for people or family members.

Echoing & repeating

Most young children go through a phase when they repeat what they hear. Children on the autism disorder spectrum may repeat what they hear for a longer period. They also may repeat dialogue from movies or conversations with the tone of voice they heard them in. This is called parroting or echoing.

Some children later diagnosed on the autism spectrum will seem to have met language milestones during the toddler years. However, their use of language may be unusual. For example, they may talk more like an adult than a toddler.

Regression in developmental milestones & skills

About 25% of children later diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder may develop some language that they suddenly or gradually stop using. Typically, this may happen between the ages of 15 and 24 months. They might also become more socially withdrawn. This change is called a regression in skills.

Screening toddlers for ASD

The AAP recommends that all children be screened for autism spectrum disorder at their 18– and 24-month well-child checkups, in addition to routine developmental surveillance. Research shows that starting an intervention program as soon as possible can improve outcomes for many children on the autism spectrum.

Remember

If you have concerns about how your child plays, learns, speaks, acts or moves, talk with your pediatrician. Remember, you know your child best and your concerns are important.

Together, you and your pediatrician will find the best way to help your child. Don’t wait. Acting early can make a big difference in your child’s development.

More Information

The 5 Easy Questions That Can Help Detect Autism

A baby brings hopes for a perfect life filled with baseball games, piano recitals, and tiny voices learning to say, “Mommy,” “Daddy, and, “I love you.”

Sometimes, though, those voices never come.

A child may appear to be developing normally but when it comes time for the child to speak, parents are met with silence or meaningless babble.

It might not even occur to a parent that his or her child isn’t speaking at an appropriate age level until the child spends time with peers at daycare, preschool, or even kindergarten and isn’t able to communicate.

According to the Autism Society, one in 54 children has a diagnosis of an Autism Spectrum Disorder, or ASD. About one in six children have some kind of speech delay or impairment.

Oftentimes, children aren’t diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder until age four or five, but the child may begin showing signs by the time he or she is two.

That can be scary news for a parent to receive, but it certainly doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with the child. It only means the parents will need to adjust their plans and expectations to include early intervention.

Think about that. There could be at least two to three years between showing signs of autism and receiving a diagnosis. That’s two to three years of therapy, at an age where early intervention can make a huge difference, that’s lost forever.

Hundreds of thousands of children go undiagnosed because parents and pediatricians don’t know what to look for, or because pediatric neurologists and clinical psychologists are non-existent in most of the world. But parents can easily take control and look for early signs, then begin therapy immediately while waiting for an official diagnosis and for other services.

Harvard University came up with a series of questions to help parents notice signs of early autism. These have been proven to be 93 percent accurate, though are not a replacement for an official diagnosis.

See the image below to view all of the questions and if you answer “no” to two or more of these questions, please seek advice from a licensed professional. In the meantime, you can start a home-based intervention program immediately with Gemiini.

Whether your child is eventually diagnosed with a form of autism or not, he or she will be miles ahead of children who haven’t had any home-based therapy or intervention. Autism Speaks says,

“There is no debate or doubt: early intervention is your child’s best hope for the future. Early attention to improving the core behavioral symptoms of autism will give your child – and the rest of the family – several important benefits that you will not gain if you take a wait-and-see approach until your child enters school at age four or five.”

Gemiini has been helping children of all abilities and at all age levels learn to speak. Used worldwide, the unique system has been proven over and over again to increase a child’s vocabulary and comprehension.

Perhaps most importantly, it’s helped countless parents hear the tiny voices of their children finally say, “I love you, Mommy.”

Answer the five questions at the end of this post, and if you answer “no” to two or more, begin early intervention right away. But first, here are some early warning signs of ASD.

Early Warning Signs: First Year

Even young infants are very social, so it’s possible to detect signs of autism in how babies interact with their world. At this age, a child with an ASD may:

Not turn to a mother’s voice
Not respond to his own name
Not look people in the eye
Have no babbling or pointing by age one
Not smile or respond to social cues from others

Babies who do not have autism can have these behaviors, too, but it’s best to contact your doctor right away with any concerns.

At 12 Months

A child with typical development will turn his head when he hears his name.
A child with ASD might not turn to look, even after his name is repeated several times, but will respond to other sounds.

At 18 Months

A child with delayed speech skills will point, gesture, or use facial expressions to make up for her lack of talking.
A child with ASD might make no attempt to compensate for delayed speech or might limit speech to parroting what is heard on TV or what she just heard.

At 24 Months

A child with typical development brings a picture to show his mother and shares his joy from it with her.
A child with ASD might bring her a bottle of bubbles to open, but he does not look at his mom’s face when she does or share in the pleasure of playing together.

ASD at any age might include the following signs:

Repeated motions (rocking or spinning)
Avoiding eye contact or physical touch
Delays in learning to talk
Repeating words or phrases (echolalia)
Getting upset by minor changes

It’s important to note that these signs can occur in children without ASDs, too.

What is it like to Parent an Autistic Child?

Being autistic brings both gifts and challenges. For example, we have often noticed that a dash of genius is within autism, manifesting as specific skills in mathematics or music or having perfect pitch or having a big compassionate heart and being an “animal whisperer.” We also know that our autistic community members have advanced every field of human endeavour from the arts to science to technology. There are musicians such as Mozart and Beethoven, artists such as van Gogh, activists such as Greta Thornburg, mathematicians such as Alan Turing, and advances in cattle handling and understanding autism because of Temple Grandin.

In fact, one of the common questions asked during our presentations is: if autism brings so many gifts, why are we struggling so much as parents to raise our autistic children? It is a good question and worthy of consideration. Our own clinical experience and much research show us that caregivers face multiple and various challenges while raising an autistic child, and commonly experience negative impacts on their physical health, psychological well-being, social network and finances. Parents are simultaneously delighted by their autistic children and challenged by them.

In this blog, we will discuss both the delights and the various challenges parents face, early signs of carer burnout, and ideas to prevent burnout based on our over 80 years of working with families who have one or more autistic children.

What is delightful about raising an autistic child?

Many parents describe their enchantment in the way their child thinks, what their child is interested in, the idiosyncratic nature of their language and the quirkiness of their behaviour at times. Regardless of the child’s profile, there are many aspects that are endearing about an autistic child. For example, there is research to show that participants in a study that were blind to whether the child was autistic or not found the laughter of autistic children more engaging and delightful than the laughter of non-autistic children. Many parents have charming stories about their autistic speaking child’s use of language, including neologisms and unusual phrases to describe life. For example, Tony’s sister-in-law referred to ice cubes as “water bones” and her father’s electric razor as the “hoover of the face”.

A child may be able to recite every element in the periodic table or learned to read before she was 3 years old or has memories as an infant in the cot. He may be able to draw with phenomenal talent from an early age or is so tender and in tune with younger children or his autistic sibling. She may have an energy that is just so comfortable to “be with,” no need for talking or looking at each other. His kindness and compassion from an early age may be striking.

What are the challenges in raising an autistic child?

We often tell a joke in our presentations, that autism is inherited, you get it from your children. There is a grain of truth in this joke, in that when you are raising an autistic child, the whole family needs to accommodate autism, creating an autism-friendly home, or adopt the characteristics of autism themselves. Spontaneity becomes a distant memory as schedules, routine and advance notice of change become necessary to survive the day. Social gatherings are minimised or brief and sometimes even avoided for months at a time, because they seem to trigger more meltdowns and stress for the autistic child and parents. It is easier to cook bland meals that will suit the autistic child, rather than being adventurous with new recipes. The sensory environment becomes toned down to the level that the autistic child can cope with.

Whilst all these adaptations are very helpful for the autistic child, the rest of the family can start to feel socially isolated, and that life is rather “toned down” and has lost some of its colour and excitement.

Autism is rarely experienced on its own, but commonly comes along with other conditions such as ADHD, anxiety disorders and other mental health conditions such as , depression , and medical conditions. We have found that the regular meltdowns that can involve both verbal and physical aggression are extremely taxing for families. A child experiencing brief but intense depression ‘attacks’, suicidal ideation and/or self-harm can be devastating for a parent, where the adage “you are only as happy as your least happy child” holds true for many parents.

Typical parenting practices do not tend to work for the autistic child as with a typical child, leading to potential arguments between parents about ways to raise and discipline their child, as well as confusion about what alternative strategies might work. Finding professionals that are skilled and experienced in autism is still very difficult in many areas of the world. Siblings do not understand autism and can be angry and perplexed about why their brother or sister is treated differently and seems to have different rules for them.

One of the core features of autism is “theory of mind” difficulties, that is, difficulty in understanding someone else’s perspective. Problems with theory of mind play out in all the autistic child’s relationships, and never more so than at home with parents and siblings. Whilst all children are egocentric to some extent, the autistic child can take this to new levels, not because they are selfish or inconsiderate, but because they are not innately wired to consider how their actions and words may affect other people. These problems are especially intense when the child is tired, hungry, upset or overwhelmed, i.e., most of the time. Other members of the family often feel under-appreciated and that the relationship they have with the autistic family member is not reciprocal. Resentment can build over time with tense family dynamics occurring where both parties feel misunderstood and unhappy.

For many autistic children affection and expressions of love such as a hug are not comforting, with a hug being perceived as being a squeezed, and why would someone squeeze you when you are sad or upset? As a result, the child can be very rejecting to well-meaning loving parents, leading the parent to feel sad and inadequate that they cannot comfort their child, and cannot enjoy physical affection with them. Expressions of love in verbal communication, such as the use of compliments and terms of endearment, may also be rejected by the autistic child. Parents can start to wonder if their autistic child loves them, and also whether the autistic child can feel and enjoy their love. Not being able to be the parent that they hoped and wished to be, parents can start to feel depressed.

Autism is the most invisible of the hidden disabilities. Members of the extended family, grandparents, uncles and aunts, may disbelieve the autism diagnosis, and instead blame the parents for what they misperceive as being bad behaviour by the child. Parents can feel blamed and misunderstood rather than supported by extended family, and family rifts and resentment are common.

As a result of a lack of understanding by family, friends and community, and increased social withdrawal, families with an autistic child can feel very socially isolated and start to internalise blame and shame. As one parent recently said, “I just thought I was a sh** mum”

How do you know if you are suffering carer burnout?

The start of carer burnout can be insidious, initially not noticed by the person themselves. The early signs are usually fatigue and social withdrawal, where it just feels like too much effort to catch up with friends and family. The person starts to avoid other people and sees them as a drain on their energies rather than a replenishment. The person may cease to enjoy activities they used to find pleasurable, like walking, art or cooking, because they feel so tired all the time.

Low mood, negativity and irritability are often a feature of carer burnout, where the person starts to feel there is not much to look forward to and tends toward a pessimistic outlook. Dreading when the next bad thing may happen, they start to feel that there is not much good about life, themselves, or their future.

Higher levels of anxiety and stress start, where the person becomes a worrier, or even more of a worrier than they were. They tend to have negative thoughts where they imagine catastrophes occurring or negative outcomes for their child and for themselves on a regular basis and a negative attitude to helpful suggestions from family members, teachers and therapists, with comments such as ‘I know it won’t work’, or ‘we’ve tried that’

Sleep may become more elusive, getting to sleep, staying asleep, and waking up too early. We know that as humans we process difficult emotions during sleep, which helps us to cope with adversity. Thus, disrupted sleep unfortunately adds to feelings of low mood, anxiety and stress.

Carers who are on the verge of burnout usually report that they are “at the end of their tether” and do not have the energy to cope any more, even though they want to. They can experience changes in appetite and weight and tend to become sick more often.

How to Recover from Carer Burnout

Whether carer burnout is periodic or chronic, fortunately there is much that you can do.

Recognise that it is happening and ask for help. There is a saying that it takes a community to raise a child, and that is never more true than with autism. Sit down and think about all of the people in your life that care about you, write a list of them, and next to each name write down how they may be able to help you, no matter how big or small that initial idea is. When we are burnt out it is difficult to even know what we need, but you will need to talk about it to someone to be able to cry and express what is going on for you. You will need time to yourself to recover, in nature or with animals by yourself or enjoyable social times with friends. These times to yourself may seem impossible right now, but they are possible and in fact nonnegotiable for your survival of parenting your loved one. Reach out to an organisation near you who can provide counselling, respite, or guidance and advice. If you are unsure where to start, contact the local Autism Association and they will help you.
Take a step back. When we are burnt out, we are overwhelmed and we cannot see the “wood for the trees,” as they say. You will only be able to take a step back when you have followed step 1 above. Once you have taken a step back, write down all the worries and concerns that you have about your child. The list may be long, and that is okay. Next, prioritise one worry on the list. You can only cope with one problem at a time, start with the most pressing. With a support person, do some problem-solving together on that first problem. Create a plan. The rest can wait. Usually, the first problem is about safety, safety trumps all the other problems.
Check your thought patterns. Burnout is usually characterised by having unrealistic expectations on oneself, often due to being an over achiever or a perfectionist. Talk with someone to ensure that your expectations about the outcome for your loved one, and about what you can manage in one day, or one hour, are realistic. Write down and rehearse new thought patterns would assist you in caring for your loved one.
Rethink your daily schedule. It is very common in burn out to neglect your own needs. You may need to have that GP or specialist appointment, prioritise it. Rethink how you can maintain good nutrition, rest, exercise, quality time with a partner or close friend and reconnect with the activities and interests that you used to enjoy. These may sound like luxuries at the moment, but they are crucial to your well-being. Remember, whilst you may feel that you must spend every minute of every day with your autistic child or they will not cope, this is a recipe for burnout. Burnout means that you may have a physical or mental breakdown, and then not be able to be with your autistic child at all. Maintaining self-care prevents this catastrophic outcome.
Stay connected. Keep in contact with friends and family members for social times just to connect and hang out, even when you don’t feel like it. Humans are social beings, your need for socialising maybe less than others, but it is still a need. If it is not fulfilled, you will end up feeling depressed and increasingly isolated. Consider joining a support group. The members of the group will have empathy for your situation and have ideas to reduce burnout that they have found successful themselves. Sometimes it is very valuable to just be with someone who has shared the same thoughts and emotions.
Access information. Sometimes the reason for feeling overwhelmed is because advice and methods utilised in the past don’t seem to be working in the parenting of your autistic child. You may benefit from new methods. Armed with knowledge about autism and how autism affects your child, you will be best placed to know how to parent your child when things become difficult. Overwhelm becomes less likely.
Access the best version of yourself and from that point of view write yourself an incredibly supportive letter. Include in the letter the information you need to know on a daily basis based on your knowledge of yourself, your child and autism, including any mantras that may help and any sources of inspiration, including heroes that you have, images, or quotes. Make an appointment with yourself at the beginning of every day to spend two minutes reading this letter. Pause at the parts that make you feel the strongest and most capable. At these times really absorb those feelings into your body. It can be helpful at these times to also use a butterfly tap. This is a form of bilateral stimulation from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) that has been found to be very helpful to install internal resources. To use the butterfly tap, place your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder. Your arms should be crossed over your chest. Then just alternately tap your shoulders with each hand, first one and then the other and continue.
Breathe. Our breath gives us energy. Regularly throughout the day, whenever you have a spare moment even if it is when you are washing up or on the toilet, pay attention to your breath. Notice the natural breath first, and then add an extra second to the in-breath and an extra two seconds to the out-breath. Continue with this new way of breathing for about one minute. You will experience increased energy and fortitude. If you can do it for two minutes that is even better.

Summary and Conclusion

It is more wonderful and more terrifying than we will possibly have imagined to be parenting an autistic child. Acknowledge both the wonder and the challenges and make the first step today toward self-care. Remember, if you are not here because of a catastrophe due to burn out, you cannot care for your loved one at all. Reach out for help and remember that you are not alone.

Where to from here?

We are presenting a full day seminar on being a parent for an autistic child, whether that child is small or grown. Gaining information is a very valuable way of feeling empowered to know what to do and how to do it. We hope that you can attend the day, but if not, remember that you have 60 days to watch the event afterwards. We hope to see you there!

7 Practical Tips to Raising A Child With Autism

Finding out our son had autism was a major blow to the idealistic picture we held of what parenting might be like. Parenting, in general, is far from easy, but parenting a child with autism can be particularly demanding. In my last blog, I shared our journey about what extreme parenting sometimes feels like, and if you’re also a parent of a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), I want you to know you’re not alone. Even as an equipped mental health therapist, receiving that diagnosis was life-changing. Here are a few strategies that are helping our family to cope:

1. Reframe acting-out behaviors.

When Brayden was four, there was one particularly intense scene at the mall that necessitated a change of direction on my part. I wanted so badly to be able to do “normal activities” with my child. Although most four-year-old’s can handle a brief trip to the department store, Brayden could not. He, like many children with ASD, suffers from sensory integration challenges and became unglued within minutes of entering the building. became weary attempting to calm him. Rather than dwell in a place of frustration over the chaotic scene, I reminded myself that he wasn’t purposefully trying to frustrate me, but was simply responding to the overly stimulating environment. Every child has a different threshold for sensory overload, and each child develops new skills at different ages. My child wasn’t yet ready for that experience. Visiting smaller retail stores with less sensory stimuli proved to be a much more successful endeavor.

Related Post: Finding Out Your Child Has Autism

2. Use positive discipline.

For many children, positive feedback and encouragement can be a motivating and very effective form of discipline. The same is true for children on the spectrum. All too often, parents fall into the trap of monitoring and correcting behaviors without always acknowledging when their child is displaying positive actions. I get it. My husband and I decided that while we wanted to protect Brayden from harm and shield him from rejection, it was equally important for him to know how amazingly accomplished he is. Well-placed compliments and expressions of love went a long way in building his self-confidence and promoting constructive behaviors.

3. Celebrate quirks and talents.

Strengths typically represent your ASD child’s highest-functioning area. We now have a greater awareness of many famous and accomplished individuals in the arts and entertainment world who have ASD. Several of them areaward-winningg musicians and directors! Recognizing your child’s talents and reinforcing them is key. Rather than just attending to areas of deficit, focus on your child’s strengths. Bray loves music, numbers, and can put together a complex puzzle in record time. One helpful tip is to redirect repetitive play and interests into more socially acceptable behaviors. Who knows? That annoying quirk may be the one thing that transfers into the world of work, leading to a productive and fulfilling career.

4. Enhance peer relationships.

We’re all social beings and need continual interaction to develop. Depending on the stage of development, school offers children with ASD and their peers opportunities for building social networks and meaningful relationships. Having your child ride the bus or carpool with a classmate is a great start. Recess, which can be very difficult for children with ASD due to feelings of exclusion and loneliness, is an ideal time to have peers interact and support your child around shared interests. Remember, every relationship starts slowly, but even small interactions can be the beginning of a meaningful friendship.

5. Take advantage of resources.

A diagnosis of ASD, and its associated physical and mental health symptoms, can take a toll on family functioning and harmony. Forming connections with other parents who are raising children with ASD is critical for optimizing your own sense of well-being. An occasional encouraging text from an ASD mom helped me to feel less alone during high stress points. There are exciting new developments in behavioral therapies and social supports for ASD. Many non-profits are partnering with ASD advocacy groups to provide weekend and weeklong camps for the entire family as well as respite for parents. Myles-A-Part is a non-profit that sponsors a free weekend couple’s retreat that was a Godsend for my husband and I a few years ago. Additionally, books such as Raising Resilient Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders by Dr. Robert Brooks and Dr. Sam Goldstein are full of unique parenting tools and became a fixture on my nightstand.

6. Prioritize self-care.

As parents, patience exits quickly when we’re stressed and overwhelmed. Most ASD kids are sensitive to their parents’ anxieties, which intensifies their own reactions. Keeping calm during meltdowns and practicing mindfulness helped me to develop self-compassion during high stress periods, rather than feeling defeated. Simple activities such as meeting friends for lunch, going to bed early, starting a new novel, or my husband volunteering to take the kids out for some time so that I can have a break does wonders for pushing that reset button!

7. Accept your child for who they are.

The first step in acceptance is acknowledging the difficulties in parenting a child with ASD. Acceptance applies to both ourselves as parents and to our kids. Yes, parenting was very challenging, particularly during the early years. However, we worked toward reducing judgment toward ourselves or toward our son and, instead, cultivating compassion. Indeed, life would be much easier without autism in it, but this IS our life. Finding ways to help our child, and ourselves, to adjust to our new normal was beneficial.

Interacting with a Child Who Has Autism Spectrum Disorder

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder. It affects how children interact and communicate with others. The disorder is called a spectrum disorder because children can be anywhere on the autism spectrum.

Children with ASD start to show symptoms at an early age. The symptoms continue during childhood and adulthood. Healthcare providers don’t know why some children develop ASD. It may be a combination of genes they are born with and something in their environment that triggers those genes.

Children with ASD have trouble relating to other people. They have trouble making eye contact. They often withdraw into themselves. They may seem uninterested in relating to family members.

But some children with ASD may love to keep talking with family members, friends, and even strangers about a topic they are obsessed with. The problem is that they may talk about it too long. Or they may talk only about that one subject. This can push other people away.

If you are a parent or grandparent of a child with ASD, it can be heartbreaking if you feel like you just can’t connect with him or her. But learning more about these disorders and what has helped others can help you and your relationship.

Breaking through the barriers of ASD

ASD has no cure. But there is hope through treatment. Many children can learn to communicate and interact. Healthcare providers and mental health experts have learned a lot about how to break through to these children.

Here are some things we know about children with an ASD:

They may not be able to understand your nonverbal communications. They may not react to your smile or frown.
They take things literally. You need to be careful to say exactly what you mean. If you hurry the child by saying “Step on it,” don’t be surprised if he or she asks what to step on.
They may only be able to handle one thought or idea at a time. Keep conversations focused and simple.
They may want to only talk about the one thing they are really interested in at a given time.
They may see things differently than you do. You may not even notice ordinary sounds, tastes, touches, smells, and sights. But these may be physically painful to the child.

Communication and interaction tips for ASD

There are no hard-and-fast rules on how to communicate with a child with ASD. But many family members have had success with these tips:

Be patient. It often takes a child with ASD longer to process information. You may need to slow down your conversation to his or her speed.
Teach the child how to express anger without being too aggressive. Children with ASD should know that they don’t have to hold their anger and frustration inside.
Be persistent but resilient. Don’t let your feelings get hurt if the child does not respond to you as you’d like. Children with ASD may have trouble both showing and controlling their emotions. They can be blunt in their responses. Don’t take this personally.
Always stay positive. Children with ASD respond best to positive reinforcement. Be sure to talk about or reward good behavior often.
Ignore irritating attention-getting behavior. A child with ASD may act badly at times to get you to focus on them. Ignoring this behavior is often the best way to prevent it. Also talk about and reward the child’s good behavior often.
Interact through physical activity. Children with ASD tend to have short attention spans. This is especially true when it comes to communicating. Running around and playing outside may be a better way of sharing time together. It will also let them relax and feel calmer.
Be affectionate and respectful. Children with ASD often need a hug, just like other children. Sometimes they need this much more than other children. But some children don’t like to be touched. Respect their personal space. Never force physical affection on an unwilling child.
Show your love and interest. Children with ASD may have trouble showing their feelings. But they still need to know that you love them. Go out of your way to express your interest, caring, and support.
Believe. A child with autism is first and foremost a child. He or she is a growing person with unknown possibilities. Believe in what the child can do. Don’t define the child by a diagnosis.
Take care of yourself. It’s OK to take a break. Join parent support groups. Or ask understanding family and friends to care for your child so you can recharge. School psychologists and counselors can also provide resources to help you.

It can be challenging to interact with a child or grandchild with ASD. But it is one of the most important things you can do to help that child learn. Research shows that early, frequent, and loving involvement of family members is one of the best ways to help children with ASD.

11 Tips for New Autism Parents

Welcome to Club Spectrum! You didn’t want to be here. Don’t feel bad about that. No one signs up for this gig. Think of it this way — at least you now know what the Hell is going on. Better than not knowing at all. Mama Fry ain’t no expert, but I do have some tips that help you from going crazy.

1) Pace yourself.

You are about to start a never-ending marathon. Know when to take a break. Embrace the couch and some bad TV. Or if you are one of those gym goers, do that. Avid reader? Go fire up that Kindle or go old school and buy a few books. You’re going to have a lot of time in therapy waiting rooms. Might as well enjoy reading some check-your-brain-at-the-door novels. Know it’s okay to get absolutely nothing done on some days. Or weeks.

2) Get off the Internet.

It can scare the crap out of you. Seriously, stop playing “Dr. Autism Google.” You’re looking for the autism cure needle in a Internet haystack. Step away from the search engine.

3) Get on the Internet.

I know, opposite advice. Here’s the twist. Get on social networking sites. Talk to other parents. Get to know them. Not just what they did to treat X, Y and Z. You’ll get a better understanding if those choices are right for you. Autism can make parents feel very isolated. Sometimes it is hard to get out and network. Facebook, Twitter and online groups are awesome. Mainly because when you are in the dark on your kid’s iPad hoping like heck the melatonin will kick in soon, you can chat away. (Don’t you go Googling “melatonin” yet. You read this all first, buddy!). Autism parents/caregivers are always awake somewhere on the planet.

4) Be prepared to hear a lot of advice you did not ask for.

Warning: it never ends. I find sarcasm and raising my eyebrows over my glasses helps a lot.

5) Respect your elders in the ASD world.

Now don’t go taking their world as gospel but recognize what they do works for them. You’ll see why as you earn your stripes. The kiddo is 8, and we’ve been dealing with all things autism since he was younger than 2. Trust me, newb, what you are telling me to try, we’ve done. Seriously, do you really want to be the type of person I just described in item number four? Don’t be that know-it-all parent out the gate. Remember they have been sleep deprived much longer than you. They will be quick to shut you down.

6) Accept the fact that you are going to try stuff that is totally not going to work.

That miracle thingie you just read about in a chat group won’t do jack all for your kid. Meanwhile every other kid who has, is thriving. It’s the luck of the draw with this, folks. You meet one kid with autism, you have only met one kid with autism. Some cures/therapy/meds will be duds.

7) Autism is effing expensive.

So when Grandma or Uncle Frank wants to know what your lovey wants for their birthday, CASH IS KING! Don’t be afraid to ask for therapy and/or lessons for something as gifts. These folks care about you and your kid. They’ll be happy to know what they bought is actually getting used, not sitting around collecting dust.

8) Accept that some folks who buy gifts for your kid won’t do the above.

You’re going to get a lot of gifts that your kid won’t even be remotely interested in. They meant well. They knew it was a hot toy. Save it. You never know. Maybe in a year or two, your kid might like it. Or donate it. Regift it. Return it for therapy cash.

9) Be open to doing stuff you think is ridiculous.

You really just don’t know what your kid is going to respond to. Give it an honest college try before you realize if it’s a hit or a miss. This means diet, meds, etc.

10) Take your kid out everywhere.

I’m serious. It may be small trips at first but it is the best thing you can do. You’re teaching them coping skills. Life happens. People have to food shop, go to the bank, post office, etc. You would be doing it anyway if your kid didn’t have autism. Know their limits of course. Baby steps first. Today, it’s a trip to buy milk. Another time, maybe it’s a trip to the pet store and the library. Life from now on will take military-like planning. Warn them what’s coming, but go about your business. They smell fear. Seriously, the more panicked you are, they will turn that dial to “11.”

11) Allow yourself a pity party.

Moan, cry, rant and rave and do it when you need to. More than once. Just remember you still have a kid that needs you. So don’t dwell in it too long. If you find yourself doing it too far too frequently, know when to ask for help. Be it from a partner, family member, friend or doctor. Yes, this isn’t what you planned, but it’s here. So now what? Exactly.

This isn’t about getting through it to an end point. This is your life now. This is your new normal. I can’t promise it will get easier. You will just get better at dealing with it. Be it through humor, prayer, yoga, crafting, blogging or a thousand other escapism activities. You will do this. You can do this. Remember for as hard as you are working, so is your child. So now and then, relax and just order another side of fries.