Choosing The Best Parenting Style For Your Child
One of the greatest challenges parents face when trying to cultivate a parenting style is adapting standard methods to suit the unique traits of their child. Though a consistent, balanced approach to parenting works most of the time, some children invariably require more (or less) discipline and guidance than others. Rules that are sensible when applied to a neurotypical child may be overly restrictive when applied to a gifted child, for instance, whereas kids with ADHD, Autism, or delayed development often need more structure than average.
Even if you have solid, logical ideas about how you’ll ensure your child feels loved and accepted while you maintain firm limits, it can be difficult to stay on track when confronted with unexpected obstacles. Understanding the four major parenting styles can help you adjust your parenting methods as needed without compromising trust, fairness, or consistency.
The 4 Parenting Styles: What They Are and How to Use Them
According to research conducted in the latter half of the 20th century, there are four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and distant. Authoritative (also known as balanced) parenting is widely regarded as the most effective style because it provides kids with both security and support. However, incorporating permissive or authoritarian elements into a balanced approach can be useful when parenting a child with atypical needs.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parents seek to combine an attitude of warmth and accessibility with moderate, reasonable discipline. These parents explain why their chosen rules and limits exist and remain open to discussing the relative fairness of consequences when appropriate. However, once rules and consequences have been established, authoritative parents remain firm, calm, and consistent when applying them.
The authoritative style strives to keep kids safe and teach them socially appropriate behaviours, without resorting to unnecessary strictness or pressure. By providing frequent explanations and keeping their expectations realistic, authoritative parents give their children both the information and the space they need to learn independent decision-making skills.
Though authoritative parents are caring, they don’t protect their children from their own mistakes. Authoritative parenting gives kids room to “mess up” within safe limits, while still expecting them to take responsibility for their actions. This allows children to experience setbacks naturally and learn from their errors.
Research supports the notion that this type of parenting encourages better self-regulation. Children raised in balanced households show lower rates of problematic and risk-taking behaviours. They also tend to do well in school, even though authoritative parents do not push for academic perfection with the same vigour as authoritarian parents.
Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parents favour a traditionally strict approach to child-rearing. They position themselves as figures of absolute authority and do not feel the need to explain their rules or decisions. They also tend to expect a lot from their children, both socially and academically, and may use harsh consequences to reinforce good behaviour.
Authoritarian parenting is sometimes associated with improved academic performance, but it also has a high potential to backfire. Kids raised in overly strict households are more likely to rebel and engage in risky behaviours, like substance abuse, reckless driving, and unsafe sex. Even complaint children who appear to flourish with strong leadership can be undermined by authoritarian parenting: Authoritarian parents are so overprotective that they often deprive their children of the opportunity to make their own choices. When their kids become adults, they therefore find themselves ill prepared for independence.
Many of the pitfalls of authoritarian parenting arise when this parenting style isn’t backed by sufficient warmth and compassion. When authoritarian parents are also distant, aggressive, or unapproachable, they compromise the very sense of safety that firm boundaries are supposed to create. Their children may then act out for attention or become “people pleasers,” unable to set their own boundaries or express their needs. To be effective, authoritarian parenting must be counterbalanced with unconditional love. Discipline, even if strict, should be delivered in a calm, compassionate way.
Working elements of authoritarian parenting into your parenting style may be helpful if your child has a developmental disorder, particularly Autism. Autistic kids benefit from rigidly structured environments and may become confused by the verbose explanations incorporated into authoritative parenting. Though research into parenting styles for neurodivergent kids is still sparse, some studies have shown that Autistic kids benefit from heightened obedience expectations and simple, direct communication. Children with ADHD are also sometimes better served by this communication style due to their issues with verbal processing.
Like neurotypical kids, neurodivergent kids require parental warmth and acceptance in order to thrive. When pursuing a more authoritarian style, it’s always essential to balance clarity with affection. You should also respect your child’s preferences where possible and appropriate, as this will build independent decision-making skills.
Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents are extremely lenient, sometimes to the point of eschewing rules altogether. These parents aren’t neglectful (on the contrary, they tend to be loving and communicative), but they operate with the belief that adequately loved children will naturally moderate their own behaviour.
Though it’s true that a close parent-child bond encourages good conduct, permissive parenting is not without its downsides. Children raised in permissive households often feel unsafe or insecure because they don’t have any boundaries to define their environment or their experiences within it. These children often end up leaning towards extremes: They either become impulsive, defiant, and daring in their attempts to learn the limits of safe behaviour, or they become hyper-responsible (and thus afraid to make any mistakes).
In its purest form, permissive parenting doesn’t work, simply because all children need rules and guidance. However, incorporating some aspects of permissive parenting into your parenting style may be useful if your child is intellectually or emotionally gifted. Though gifted children need firm boundaries, they also benefit from having the freedom to pursue their own interests and express themselves. In some areas, they may also develop more quickly than other children and therefore require adjusted limits that reflect their level of maturity. Finally, these sensitive children often need additional reassurance and nurturing.
Distant Parenting
Distant parents are lenient without displaying the accessibility of permissive parents. They prefer to let their children essentially parent themselves, only intervening when they feel like their child is directly in danger. These parents aren’t necessarily uncaring; sometimes, they genuinely believe their child is so independent that she (or he) doesn’t “need” much guidance. In other cases, distant parents are so preoccupied with their obligations outside the home that they become distant inadvertently.
Unfortunately, regardless of the parent’s intentions, distant parenting is almost always harmful. Children raised in this manner are prone to behavioural, emotional, and social problems; they also tend to perform poorly at school. This parenting style should be avoided, regardless of how mature or intelligent a child appears to be.
Choosing the right parenting style (or blend of styles) can be confusing, especially if your child is young and you’re not yet aware of any special needs she might have. Most experts advise adopting an authoritative style and observing how your child responds. If behavioural problems arise or continue despite fair and consistent parenting, then you should consider having your child assessed by a mental health professional. Working with a family therapist can help you identify your child’s core traits and specific developmental needs. With that information, you’ll be able to accurately select the right blend of parenting styles to maximize your child’s unique potential.